"He said to me, "Mortal, eat what is offered you; eat this scroll, and go speak to the House of Israel." Ezekiel 3.1 [JPS Tanakh, 1985]
And so on February 22, 2006 I wrote an e-mail to the Rabbi:
Hello Rabbi,
My wife, Cynthia, spoke with you last night. She gave me your card and asked me to write to introduce myself. So what follows is a bit of history and explanation as to why I am considering becoming a Jew.
I've had a varied career. In the '80s I worked in the Aerospace industry in Southern California, In the '90s I worked in an electronic test lab. Today, I work as a "night shift" Network Administrator. I am also among other things a writer, poet, lyricist, musician, and singer.
I was born in Orangeburg, SC in 1954. We moved to California when I was 2 1/2 and I grew up in Los Angeles. My parents were Baptists who found they had no taste for "hell fire and damnation". They went seeking something less judgemental.
So we began attending a Unity Church... call it Christian Metaphysics Lite. Later they found the teachings of Ernest Holmes [The Science of Mind] a truly non-denominational teaching [where most non-denominational churches are actually "non-affiliated" Evangelical Christian churches with their own special brand of Salvation and Damnation].
Science of Mind [unlike the unreligion of Scientology] is a "power of positive thinking" sort of Monotheisim. The only savior there is, is the one we become for ourselves.
I went to a Catholic High School and at eighteen was considering become an Science of Mind Minister... but after some soul searching I realized I was too "flawed" to help others. As time moved onward I found I fulfilled that self appraisal.
I've made some bad choices in my life. Really bad choices, the kind with bad consequences... the kind of where the burden of guilt rests heavy on the heart... the kind that one looks for expation of the sin.
But looking around, all I found was the continued judgement of others and myself.
After most of the "smoke had cleared" from the wreckage of my life I tried to return to the "right path". I found myself a "pagan" in a world of judgemental "-isms". I also found myself dealing with life as a moment by moment stream of actions. There was no past. There was no future. There was only "now" but a "now" shorn of hopes and dreams.
I have read widely in world religions and mythology. I am aware of many mystical paths. So how I did I get to thinking about Judaism?
My late mother gave me a love of reading and books. She had a BS in Archaelogy and Religious Studies and a Masters in Anthropology. My father on the other hand is a 'genius" electrical and mechanical professional engineer.
In 1989 I was looking through a used book store and found a High Holy Days praybook in English. I believe it was for Rosh Hashanah. I read the words and found myself crying. I bought the book. As I read the prayers I found myself asking: "Do they really know what it is they are saying? Do they understand it as I do? Do they feel it as they recite the words"
About this time I met Bonnie Arkin, a high school ESL teacher, daughter of Professor [and poet] David Arkin and sister of actor-musician-author Alan ["The Russians are Coming, The Russians are Coming"] Arkin. She befriended me and "adopted" me. She gave me a number of things which I cherish. One of which is a "Tree of Life" that hangs over our mantle.
She took me in as one might take in a stranger at Passach.
A year later I met Cynthia. She had just separated from her last husband. She too was seeking a better life... and trying to find her way home.
She was seeking a home she'd never really had.
Fate brought Cynthia and I together. Love has made us One. We married three years later. We've been through a lot and I found, after a time, that I felt like it was my place to help her find her "home" even if I believed I could not find my own "place in the sun".
When we returned here to the Charleston area four years ago, we have attended the family Seders at Wendy and David's home [Wendy is Cynthia's sister].
As is tradition, we each read portions of the Haggadah and every year I have found myself choked up and crying. Why? Metaphorically, I have "lived in Egypt and the Lord has brought me up out of bondage".
I don't supposed most people [some Jews included] understand what the "Land of Affliction" truly is like nor do I supposed that the people at the Seder understood how well I identified with the story. It is a story of "salvation" and of the fulfilment of a promise of "coming home"... Much like the Christian story of the Prodigal Son.
In 1993 I put it lyrically as follows:
************
The road is long
The Day is hot
On my way alone
Lost my home and family
And every thing I owned
So I'm headed to my Father's house
In far away lands
Headed to my Father's house
To place myself in his hands
You know the story
One of the oldest told
The story of the prodigal one
He's finally coming home
My Father's eyes,
They are old
But undimmed by his age
He can see I am coming home
So the prepares my way
Here in my Father's House
I can see the light of Day
Here in my father's house
I can hear him say:
You know the story
One of the oldest told
The story of the prodigal one
He's finally coming home
Lift your eyes to the faraway hills
And hear the wonderous sound
Your Father is calling to you
"Welcome my beloved child!"
Here in my Father's House
I can see the light of Day
Here in my father's house
I can smile and say:
I know the story
One of the oldest told
The story of the prodigal one
I've finally come home
[© Copyright 1993 dvusMedia All Rights Reserved]
************
Recently, I had Friday night off from work and Cynthia asked me if I would like to attend Shabbat [Friday Night services at the Synagogue] and much to her surprise I agreed. Again found myself nearly in tears.
I've tried to understand where the tears come from... after all I am from a long line of Goyim. I don't have the deep seated traditions that Cynthia was raised with and am [jokingly] convinced that Matzoh is made from real Egyptian brick dust. :-)
Why the tears then?
I suppose it is my heart touching upon something I can't quite explain. A recognition? A longing? A memory? A feeling of coming home? I'm still not sure.
If I were a Jew, what kind would I be? I guess I'd be a metaphysical one [if there is such a thing]. I believe the Promised Land and Jerusalem is not a place in the world. It is a place in the Heart. The letters of the Name of the covenant are written upon the heart and the soul. The only messiah there is is one that lives within the heart and leads you to do good for the sake of doing good.
Is that within the boundaries of Jewish Tradition? I do not know. I am more ignorant that a 13 year old boy when it comes to the traditions and beliefs of Judaism.
This past weekend I asked Cynthia "What would you think if I became a Jew?"
Understand, I was not asking the question because it is what she wants but because I was asking, "How would becoming a Jew 'bring me home' in my heart and soul? Would it give me a sense of peace and belonging?"
Asking the question aloud is, I suppose, the first step in answering the question.
Her response showed me that I did not know how important this was to her. I think if there was a "potion" to make it instantly happen she'd go buy it.
I know that it is not an instantaneous process and I know I have some "obstacles" to over come such as my work schedule.
Is there a basic "beginning" text [Judaisim for Dummies? :-) ] I could read?
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
***
I was not expecting anything in reply. After all, what kind of Jew could I be? The Jews have had their ass kicked by everyone and their weak little sister.
Yet somehow they have survived.
What busines does a broken down old fool like myself have with God's Chosen?
But in a day or so I received a reply from Rabbi:
***
Thank you for your deeply felt and detailed letter. Although there was one point you make that needs clarification (Jerusalem/heart), I don't think it's a major one.
There are many who believe the old Jewish mystical concept of Gilgul: that there are Jewish souls born into the wrong body and who are torn and sometimes spiritually tortured until they find their way home. Perhaps . . .
Cynthia mentioned the issue of scheduling. If we were dealing with a time-bound situation, it would be a serious problem. But should you decide to move forward with the exploration, you are making no commitment - either as whether or not you will convert, and even if you do, when that will be.
My class repeats every year. That gives us plenty of time for you to participate a little now, a little later. There are many books to read but no one "primer." That's why I have my classes.
I'd like to meet with you face-to-face to talk about it. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, and I would like to explain the conversion process. ...
I look forward to hearing from you.
***
Eventually we arranged to meet... and we did almost a month later.
But many odd things happened before that meeting.
I tell you about it next time.
HaGedi
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