Tuesday, July 18, 2006

A bug, a fortune cookie, and another bug

"Give up simpleness and live, Walk in the way of understanding."
Proverbs 9.6 [JPS Tanakh 1985]

Today I want to talk about some things "in the present". Things that have happened these last few days. Before I forget.

You know I have a penchant for bits of oddness in my life since I started down this path-- It seems I collect the odd or unusual. When it appears in my life, I observe it and then upon reflection, I find the "message" it brings.

G-d can speak that way sometimes.

If you choose to listen.

It's like the bug.

I live in a nice old high gable cottage built in 1937. It has wood floors and a wood fireplace. It has a partially finished attic. In fact, the original builder of the house had plumbing put in for a bath up in the attic but they never finished it. The house is old but comfortable like a favorite pair of slippers.

It has an old oil heater chimney that is set in the very center of the house. It has a flue for downstairs and for upstairs. The attic has become my "living space". It is filled with techno-junk and books and flotsam that has floated up from the rooms downstairs.

I keep my musical instruments up here. It is where I make recordings with my digital audio workstaion. It's where I've placed my reading chair and keep my collection of "important" books. It's where I write this. It's comfortably disheveled in a neo-post-industrial anarchist's warehouse kind of way. Wired and orchestrated by a sense of functionality over "beautiferous form".

So last Thursday [July 13, 2006] I was getting ready for work. I moved something on one of the work tables and a bug jumps up out of somewhere and lands on the old heater chimney. I look at the bug and the bug looks at me. We know one another. We met about nine weeks ago.

Do you remember the messenger I spoke of a few posts ago?

He had come back but he has grown up.

Now He was a two inch long, bright green , Katydid. Now mind you I don't know how he got in here. Or what he's been living on. For all I know he appeared on the spot to remind me of something. Which is, of course, exactly what he did:

"I have commanded you today to love God your Lord, to walk in His paths, and to keep His commandments, decrees and laws. You will then survive and flourish, and God your Lord will bless you in the land that you are about to occupy." Deuteronomy 30.16

"Okay I've heard that." I say to myself. "But my friend I don't have time to stay and talk I've got to get dressed and out the door to work."

How many times do we turn away from a sacred moment because we feel "compelled" to do other things? Speaking for myself I know it is far more often than it should be.

But I took a moment and decided I'd try to figure out why a two inch Katydid was sitting on my chimney looking at me. What was his message?

So off to my browser and typed into Google: "Dream symbolism Katydid"

The first hit is: Glamour Magazine

Glamour Magazine has a dream synbolism dictionary? Who knew?

And here is what it said:

"Katydid - To hear its song predicts the renewal of an old friendship."

Okay so the messenger wasn't singing but his message certainly was.

I finished my preparations for work then stopped. A word popped into my head: Glamour.

Ha Bahir

Sefer Zohar

Shekinah

*Bingo*

Message acknowledged.

Alright so I survive the weekend software installation at work and a party for my brother-in-law on Saturday night. Now it's Sunday and I am getting pleasantly toasty at my Sister-in-law's house while watching my wife happily cheat at Ma Jongg.

We had a traditional Jewish Sunday evening meal: Chinese Takeout.

After dinner I picked up a fortune cookie and broke it's shell.

It's another message.

On one side it says:

LEARN CHINESE - PORK = Zhu-rou

Figures.

I wonder how they translate Treife?

On the other side it says:

"One that would have the fruit must first climb the tree."

I laugh aloud. A Kabbalistic Fortune Cookie!

The tree of course is the tree of Life. It's the tree of the paths.

"I have commanded you today to love God your Lord, to walk in His paths, and to keep His commandments, decrees and laws." Deuteronomy 30.16

We talked about this before. Okay so you've said that already: "Walk in His paths".

I'm listening.

Well at least I think I am listening.

So last night I was reading "Stalking Elijah" by Roger Kamenetz, Jewish Lights 1998.

On Page 199 I read:

"It's like you're going down the countryside in the middle of the night," he said, "and suddenly you see the entire landscape, then it disappears. Thats the nature by which you can unserstand the four worlds, that's the way you can understand mystical knowledge altogether. ... The flash goes through all four worlds, it cuts through everything."

"I knew my strong desire to command and understand mystical knowledge ... Was I trying to catch lightning with my hands? ...

"The infinite light hides itself. And this hiding is absolutely essential because it makes space for us to be. Just as a pause in converstaion allows the other person to speak.

"The secret is hidden in giving forth: the elusivenesss of God is on purpose. Our light is punctuated by darkness. The first immense act of creation-- which is the very image of creativity-- is not expansiveness, but restraint. In the Kabbalah of Isaac Luria [The Ari] this restraint or contraction is call tzimtzum."


The night and the lightning made me I think of a lyric I wrote in 1978:

"Seeing so deeply
Across the quickening night
Reaching to hold the Infinite Light
That flows with the tide
To this bleak and rocky shore
Calling me to Love
Deeply, Once more."

© Copyright 1978 dvusMedia All Rights Reserved


So what are the four worlds he mentions? They are described as follows.

atzilut = "nearness" = spirit = yod
beriyah = "creation" = knowledge = heh
yetzirah = "formation" = feeling = vov
assiyah = "doing" = action = heh


The process of creation is described in some ancient Jewish mystical texts as "like that of a lightning bolt."

Do I know anything about this?

Yes and no: I've been on the receiving end of some of those lightning bolts. I make no claim to be a spiritual master. Mostly I suffer from profound ineptness when it comes to consistant spirtual practice. My ego gets in the way of my ability to listen. but sometimes...

I look away from the book.

He's back.

But what is up with the bugs, already?

My friend the messenger has returned.

He's a June bug. A June bug in difficulty. He's in danger of falling on his back and he's desperately trying to keep from doing so. I help him to right himself and set him on the arm of my chair. For the next forty minutes he sits beside me as the perfect meditation master. I feel His presence. I look at him every so often as I read and every time I do I smile.

Why?

Have you ever just noticed that the world is happening as it should? That within you and around you there is peace and joy and love?

That was His message. To know:

"I was with Him as a confidant, A source of delight every day, Rejoicing before him as all times, Rejoicing in His inhabited world, Finding delight with mankind." Proverbs 8.30-31

How often do you do that?

How often do you stop to notice the goodness in the world and in ourselves. How often do you bless those blessings and the source of all blessings? I know I don't do it enough.

Eventually, my friend decides he'd like to leave. I helped him to crawl on my finger and I walk him downstairs and out into the warm, humid southern night.

I smile all the way back up the stairs. The messenger has delivered His message.

Jewish family life is very educational. Next time I'll you about the fight I had with my sister-in-law.

HaGedi

Monday, July 17, 2006

A Midrash for a Parochet

"Place there the Ark of the Pact, and screen the ark off with the curtain."
Exodus 40.3 [JPS Tanakh 1985]


In a previous post here in Sefer HaGedi, I mentioned that the congregation , Kahal Kadosh Beth Elohim [KKBE], that I am a member of, had a "unique place" in the history of Reform Judaism in America. It still does. It seems, at least to some outsiders or visitors, that we have a rebellious streak and a history of stubborness. One that persists to this very day. One that almost seems sacreligious.

We have been undergoing a period of transition in our congregation from "one generation to the next" and there has been a strong resistance to some of the ritual changes that have been proposed. The diffences are between "Modern Reform" and "Classical Reform" views of worship and ritual.

The "Reform Judaism" started in Germany 200 years ago as a response to Judaism's lack of modernity. Reform Judaism is an attempt to meet the "spirit" of the commandments while living in a modern world. Many of the 613 commandments do not have a 'rational' meaning today. (You thought there were only 10 commandments ? Wrong. Count 'em again.)

In the beginning, Reform Judaism was something like Unitarian Universalist with Jewish trappings. It scandalized what are now called the orthodox or Heredi Jews. They thought [and still do think] Reform Jews are at best apostate or at worst sinful, evil doers making a mockery of G-d.

The Reform Movement has found that there is an on going need for more Orthodox "tradition" and "ritual" so there has been a swing back to more traditional "forms" of prayer and worship. As time has passed Reform Judaism has slowly brought back some of the more orthodox ways.

By a tradition going back to Moses, the Ark is the place in a Jewish house of worship [a "temple" or "synagogue"] where the Torah Scrolls [the Five Books of Moses] are held. The Ark in a Jewish temple sanctuary is the 'Holy of Holies'. Tradition dictates there is a curtain to keep the scrolls hidden if the doors of the Ark are opened but the Torah Scrolls are not removed-- just as the curtain [in Hebrew, parochet ] in the "Tent of Meeting" kept the Ark of the Pact hidden.

[See page 544 of "The Torah A Modern Commentary, Revised Edition, W. Gunter Plaut, General Editor, 2005, Union of Reform Judaism, for a floor plan of the of the Tabernacle or Tent of Meeting]

Apparently a long time ago [the date is uncertain] the parochet [curtain] in our temple [KKBE] was removed. Some say it was during a renovation of the Ark and the parochet was not put back when the work was completed.

Recently, the Ritual Comittee at KKBE submitted a recommendation to the Temple Board to restore the parochet on the ark.

Times have changed and so has most of the Reform Movement... but some did not change with the times. The idea of restoring the curtain has caused an uproar from the "classical Reform" members of the congregation who had grown up with an almost "Deist" view of Judaism.

Deism is a recognition there is a God... and that Man should recognize God and be ethical and moral. That sounds pretty much like Reform Judaism except Deists do not have Jewish traditions nor a strong belef in the Torah or even in the Mitzvot.

I believe that the only real difference between "Classical Reform" Judaism and Unitarian Universalists is that in Reform [And all Judaism] the central prayer is the Sh'ma: Sh'ma Yisrael, Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad (Listen Israel: The Lord, Our God, The Lord is One.)

There was a meeting held in June 2006 to give the congregation the opportunity to voice their opinions about the proposed change to install the parochet. Needless to say it was quite a meeting. Unfortunately, I was not able to attend so I had to rely on the words of some of the eye witnesses. As it was described to me the meeting was not pretty to say the least.

From this came the idea for a story... Of course there is a long history storytelling in Judaism. When have you ever known a Jew not to tell a story?

I entitled this story:

The Holy Daughter of the Pavilion [16]

The numbers in the text are for the footnotes at the end [after all if I am going to play the Maggid I might as well be a scholarly one... :-)]

***
There once was a Wise and Holy King who had a Wise and Holy daughter.

The King having many things to do [for he was a *very* great King], He gave Her into the care of His Chosen. A clan of a few people whom He trusted that they might care for Her while he was away on His Wise and Holy, Kingly business.

But His time span measures greatly beyond our time span [which is but an instant to His] for He is, after all, a Great King and the journey He was to make was a long one.

The people loved the Daughter, for She was as beautiful as she was wise. She was a Gift and a Sacred Treasure. When the King had been gone for a very long time, the Chosen decided to build a pavilion for Her and once a week they would share in a holy day honoring Her Father and His gift to the Chosen.

She loved Her Father's people but the pavilion had a curtain which separated Her from the Chosen. For the Chosen had reasoned that She was Holy and should be held separate and may even aloof from the eyes of the even the highest of the Chosen.[1]

Sometimes she would come out of the pavilion and share the wisdom Her Father, the Holy King, had entrusted to Her but mostly She sat alone in Her pavilion. Yet though She and the people Her Father had Chosen were separated by a curtain, they felt as if they were One.

Sometimes She would peak out and show but a momentary glimpse of Her beautiful face to one or another that She knew loved Her. Years passed: A generation went and another came [2]. And the pavilion and its curtain began to look a little thread bare. Yet another generation came and another passed. The people realized that they needed to renovate the pavilion. So they engaged a builder and his workmen. The weekly holy day was approaching and the pavilion needed to be ready by then, 'The hour was late, the need was great but the workmen entrusted the task were lazy and slothful.'[3]

When it came time to open the pavilion that the people might sit with the Wise and Holy Daughter of the Wise and Holy King who had Chosen them over all other peoples to care for Her, the curtain of Her pavilion were missing! There She sat in Her royal robes for everyone to see! This was quite a shock! Yet the king's daughter upheld Her dignity, for had not Her Father, the Wise and Holy One, entrusted Her care to these His Chosen people?

Did the people of that time willfully hide the curtain away? Did they forget where they had been laid? Were the workmen *that* sloppy and lazy? Days passed. Months then years.These are questions that cannot be answered now as it was a long time ago and yet another generation had come and gone.

When one of Her holy sisters came weeping at the door of Her pavilion, She, the Beautiful One, could not turn Her away. A few more years passed and another Daughter of the King came to live in the open pavilion and then another. Each was beautiful and wise. Each was the Holy Daughter of the King.

Another generation had come before the previous one departed and a furious debate arose among the Elders of Chosen people as to whether the curtain should be restored.

"It's been fifty years! Fifty years! May be even a Hundred! She and Her holy sisters have sat with us without the curtain! We do not need the curtain! They do not need them!" Cried one of the Chosen.

"But the curtain rods are still there! See? Tell me why the pavilion has curtain rods if it was not intended there be a curtain?" Replied an opposing voice of another of the Chosen.

"Have you asked Them?" Asked a stranger.[4]

"Eh?" Said one of those of the Elders who were debating.

"What did he say?" Said another.

The Chosen turned to the Stranger and heard his words.

"I said," replied the stranger. "Have you asked them? The Holy Ones."

The Chosen turned to the Wise and Holy Daughters.

The first among the Daughters looked from one face of the Chosen then to another.

"It is well you are my Father's Chosen." A slight smile crossed Her face. "These and Those [5]. Did he not say 'You shall sanctify yourselves and be holy, for I am Holy'?[6]". He chose you above all others to care for me and my sisters. I find pleasure that even in your argument, it is for I and my sisters sake."

She paused a moment then asked them "Do you know my Sisters?"

One of the debaters stepped forward and bowed to Her, embarassed. "Uh... No, Holy One."

"Come and See: Let me introduce you to them." She walked and stood beside Her weeping sister, embracing Her. She who had wept for fifty years and more.

"This is my Sister, Shoah. Do you know why she weeps?"

The other debater came forward, "No, Holy One"

"She weeps for the six million and more that died to defend Her and the Name of our Holy King. She weeps and she remembers their love, their respect and their caring for Her."

The Daughter walked to the next Sister, the youngest one who smiled a wide beautiful smile. "She is called 'the Rose of Sharon, the lily of the valley' [7]. Long ago did your father's fathers and your mother's mothers love Her. They danced together in the fields of a time now lost."

The Daughter came to the last sister. "This is Miriam. She, who's well never runs dry. They who come to Her well in thirst, never leave thirsty. Her dance and song saved you when no other's would have. Still once, she became arrogant and was punished for showing disrespect for one loved by our Father, the King."[8]

"And who are you Holy One?" Asked one of the Chosen Elders.

"I am called Ruth. Did not my Father not say to you concerning me: 'For wherever you go I will go, and wherever you lodge, I will Lodge. Your people will be my people'[9]?"

"Yes, Holy One... but..." One of the debaters stepped forward.

"Yes?" She looked at them.

"You have been with us so long, you are like a mother to us. What would you have us do?"

She answered with a question. "Is it not said 'Honor Thy Father and Thy Mother'[10]? How do you honor those whom you love?"

"By showing them respect." Replied one of the Chosen.

"Do you know the traditions that others hold concerning my Sisters and their Sisters who dwell elsewhere among you?"

"Yes... We do." Said the one who had argued that the curtains not be replaced. "But they are elsewhere. Not here."

"Is your neighbor then only those near to you? Only those in your community?" She asked.

"Yes!" Came the reply.

She pointed at the other chief debater and said to one who had just answered, "Is this one not your neighbor? Tell me how do you show respect for your neighbor?"

After a moment came the reply."By not doing that which is hateful to them[11]."

"Does that not mean respecting their wishes? Their hopes? Their Dreams? What if they believe that a curtain on my pavilion shows great respect to I and my Sisters? And by showing that respect they feel they are honoring their promise to my Father, The King? What then?"

There was silence.

She turned to the other debater and asked "What if your neighbor believes with all his heart that the curtains show my Sisters and I disrespect?"

"But it seems so arrogant! You are the Holy Ones given into our care. We made a covenant with your Father, the Holy King. A covenant that is as real today as it was so long ago." Replied the one who wanted the curtain to be replaced.

She replied again with a question. "What if your neighbor's desire is not born of arrogance but of love and desire to be close to I and my Sisters?"

She paused "Yet..." and looked at them then said, "It is said, 'Do not look elsewhere for an answer'. Did my Father not say, 'The thing is very close to you, in your mouth and in your heart'[12]? Do you not see? " She pointed one to the other. "This and that. You are a community." She said as she walked among the Elders.

"Come and see: Would you have strangers and evil ones saying, 'She is become a mockery, All who admired Her despise Her, For they have seen Her disgraced'[13]? Do you not see? 'For you must distinguish between the sacred and the profane and between the unclean and the clean.'[14] 'For I honor those that honor me but those that spurn me shall be dishonored.'[15]

And the elders of the Chosen looked at the Holy Sisters and then at one another. They wept over one another and then bowed to the wishes of the Holy Daughter and the wise words of Her Father, the Holy King.

*************
Footnotes:

[1] Exodus 40.3 This appears as the first refernce to a curtain in the Tent of Meeting. See page 544 of "The Torah A Modern Commentary, Revised Edition, W. Gunter Plaut, General Editor, 2005, Union of Reform Judaism for a floor plan of the of the Tabernacle or Tent of Meeting
[2] Ecclesiastes 1.4
[3] Talmud, Sayings of the Fathers 2.19
[4] This might be the same stranger seen in Genesis 37.15
[5] Eruvin 13b "For three years there was a dispute between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai, the former asserting, "The law is in agreement with our views," and the latter contending, "The law is in agreement with our views." Then a 'bat kol', a voice from heaven, announced, "Eilu v’eilu divrei Elohim Chayim", 'These and those are the words of the living God, but the law is in agreement with the rulings of Beit Hillel.'"
[6] Leviticus 11.44
[7] Song of Songs 2.1
[8] Numbers 12.10
[9] Ruth 1.16
[10] Exodus 20.12
[11] Hillel, Sayings of the Fathers
[12] Deuteronomy 30.14
[13] Lamentations 1.8
[14] Leviticus 10.10
[15] I Samuel 2.30
Added Note August 22, 2006: It seems I've found another of my mystery "co-incidences". This morning I was reading the Pritzker Edition of the Zohar and found a reference to the Pavillion:
[16] "Pavilion is the adorning of the lower world by the upper world." Zohar 1.29a [Zohar, Pritzker Edition pgs 170-171 see note 503 & 504. pg 171] "In the Zhohar the appiryon (pavilion) is Shekhinah, the divine palace."
*****************

The idea came to me as I was reading Rabbi Eugene Borowitz' "Reform Judaism Today" which was released in 1983... it is odd that things have changed so very much yet so very little in the last 23 years.

I ended up "wrestling" with this story all one Tuesday night, "She" would not let me rest-- I ended up with about 3 hours sleep... the following night, Wednesday, after class I spent all night writing it and researching the footnotes.

Take this story as a "Stranger's Words" [what ever those may be worth] on the spectacle that he sees in 'These and Those'

[See the footnotes above for an explanation of "These and Those".]

While I am not really a scholar, this story reflects my feelings toward the Torahs that are in Our House and in our care. Many of those opposed to the parochet in the Ark would not "get the point" so I certainly have not made any effort to bring it to their attention.

Yet these thing I do believe: We must respect the Torah and honor it, yet at the very same time we must respect and nurture one another, our family, our community. It is our duty and joyful obligation.

As you know I am in the conversion program. Among the important things I've learned is that being a Jew means wrestling with G-d and occasionally "arguing with the Rabbi". I have done a lot of wrestling with G-d coming to understand my Jewishness-- how I've been a Jew all along and did not realize it. I've done a lot of reading and studying [Cynthia is shaking her head over the number books I have been reading ;-) ].

I am beginning to think the part about "arguing with the Rabbi" is more of a tradition just to make sure you are paying attention to "wrestle with G-d". I have not found cause to argue with either of my teachers as I have participated in the conversion classes or in Torah study-- I've been too engaged it studying.

Yet for all of this I had not really realized being a Jew also entailed "verbal fisticuffs" from fellow congregants-- I do realize there is a long history of this in the Reform movement. :-) It seems that if G-d is not available that your fellow congregant is fair game.

This wrestling with G-d is serious stuff!!!

The most painful part of this whole process has been seeing how this issue has caused tempers to flare in the "passion" of the positions or "sides" assumed. Even for all of the argument and discussion in my own family I can see how it has brought our family closer together. Even, my step-daughter put in her two cents by noting: "It says 'You shall hang a curtain...' but it does not say 'You shall hang a curtain and close it.'"

As you can see from reading the "Aggadah" above concerning the parochet, I believe hanging the parochet is a "proper" way to show respect for "the stranger among us" and show respect for the Torahs which have given our people life and made us a Holy People...[ As we discussed before if it were printed in the bulletin they'd be hanging us instead of the parochet... :-) ]

What makes us Reform Jews? The power to choose how we fulfil the "Spirit" of G-d's law in a modern world. We recognize the world changes and that G-d, in His goodness, has given us the power to make choices. We recognize that some of the mitzvot of times past cannot be performed in the modern world but our intent should ever to keep our focus on what makes us "feel" Holy and do those things.

Hanging a parochet is presented in the Torah as a positive, affirmative mitzvah. I cannot see how we can justify *not* fulfilling this mitzvah.

To put it metaphorically: It is said "Honor thy Father and thy Mother." As Children of Yisrael, G-d is our Father and Torah is our Mother. G-d had the intent to create a Holy People and Torah gave birth to us.

She is the Mother who nurtured us, taught us, dried our eyes when we were sad, gave us laughter and joy. It is to our Torah which we cling and we are honored to hold in our arms. We should do those things which honor of Father and our Mother.

The leadership of the Union of Reform Judaisim has been forthcoming in admitting they have made mistakes in regards to past practice and polices and in the light of those those admissions they have made changes. Does this not indicate we need to examine ourselves and our practices and policies?

For myself the hardest part is bracing myself for what will happen if there is no compromise or an easing of the animosity. I feel as if I were a small lost child who was taken in from the streets, into a household where the relatives were all fighting, and I am hurting because all those people whome I have come to love are yelling and screaming at are each. [Even though there is strong indication that this is "traditional" among G-d's "stiff necked" Holy people]

In my past wandering among Deist churches [I was never a Christian], I have see congregations that have torn themselves apart from conflicts such as this one. Why? The participants never paused to reflect upon their actions nor consider how they had assumed the mantle of hubris and failed to see they were failing their duty to G-d by failing their duty to their fellow congregants. Tikkun Olam means not only healing the world but also healing each other.

Of course this isn't the last of the events nor the last of my discoveries on my journey so I'll share more next time.

HaGedi

A Visit from a Messenger

"I responded to those who did not ask, I was at hand to those who did not seek Me. I said, 'Here I am, here I am,' to a nation that did not invoke My Name" Isaiah 65.1 [JPS Tanakh 1985]

****
A footnote from the present day:

I realize that these last few days I've posted a lot here in Sefer HaGedi.

Something like thirty or so type written pages. What you have been reading is my "adventures" since I asked that question in February. As of the end if Rabbi's reply in this post we have reached about mid-May of 2006.

I'm trying to "catch up" to the present day and share with you those things which struck me as "AHA!" moments along the way. As I get closer to "here and now" the posts will get hopefully [!] shorter... though I can't really promise that, as I have [as you may see] a love of writing.

****

I have signed up for the Daily Torah Study and the "Topical Debate" mailing lists from URJ via Shamash.org

For those interested see the following URLs for more information or to join the lists:

http://urj.org/torah/ten/ Ten Minutes of Torah

http://urj.org/torah/ten/eilu/ Eilu V’eilu: These and those are the words of the Living God

As I was reading the passage about "dem bones" in Ezekial, it was very clear to me that I myself would interpret the resurrection as a "spiritual one" rather that the bodily one...

On the other hand, verse 14 seems to apply to me in particular. It is not one I've seen used in reference to Gilgul. Whether I like it or not, it seems Gilgul does apply to me. I don't remember anything that I could say was "proof" but there too many "little things" that "click"... Too many things that make the path I am on a natural home coming. That's the reason I decided to try to write down the summary of how I arrived "here". [That's how this 'Blog came to be...]

Education is a matter of study and practical application coupled with a strong desire to learn the topic at hand. A lot of my learning opportunities have been along the lines of being "thrown in and learning to swim". Sometimes the rote learning of my younger years takes over as in my slip during one of the conversion classes using AD rather that CE for dating... This I should know but I was drawing on rote memorization.

Unfortunately I think my life path has precluded my going back to an institute of higher learning because of familial obligations and because of the bad choices I made twenty years ago.

It is clear in my mind that I have now have an obligation to everyone I meet that my past will not be come a stumbling block to their enjoyment of life. These days one cannot be a teacher nor a counseler of souls when one carries a "history". This precludes a number of careers and volunteer positions. Nor can a teacher or counseler of souls be married to someone carrying a history... There's a story there maybe I'll tell you later.

My voracious reading has continued I am reading a lot about Jewish mysticism... what many would call Kabbalah.

Kabbalah has a history that goes back to at least 200 CE and some say earlier. Around 200 CE the Sefer Yetzirah [The Book of Formation] was composed. It is a brief book [about 2400 words] which tells how the universe was 'mystically' formed. Later, in the 11th century another book appeared Ha Bahir [The Radiance] that talked of many things including the idea of Gilgul [commonly called today reincarnation or 'the transmigration of souls']. A hundred years after that came the central text of the Kabbalah: The Zohar.

Part of the Kabbalah as developed in Spain had to the Names of God and how the divine name relates to creation. [Ha Shem or Adonai are the words used when the sacred name YHVH -- which is not pronounced JOE-HOVAH -- is written in the Torah or used in the paryer book]

I'll not go into the details here about the Zohar or the totality of the Kabbalah's mystical system. I don't know it but I'm pretty sure it isn't found in most of the 'pop' books on 'practical Kabbalah'.

If you want to read about it start with Gersham Scholem's "Kabbalah".

I am wary of "online" sites that promote Kabbalah and books and other things. If the book or web site isn't written by a scholar or what you can validate as a rabbinic source, be wary. Even then some of the books I have picked up [especially the "Introduction to..." kind of books] are actually not very good or misleading.

If Jewish mysticism is what you're interested in then read "Honey from the Rock" or "The Way into Jewish Mystical Tradition" both of which are writting by Rabbi Lawrence Kushner and published by Jewish Lights.

In the 15th century mystic Jewish rabbis that had been expelled from Portugal and Spain began to gather in Safed, Israel. From among this group arose one of the last great Kabbalah mystics, Rabbi Isaac [Luria] Ben Shlomo Ashkenazi, known as The Ari.

He developed an idea about why there was evil in the world: When God began to create part of the materials that God used were not strong enough to contain the divine light and they shattered. The sparks of the divine fell and were trapped in dark husks of the worlds coming into being.

From these husks [some times call Qliphoth] evil arises in the world. It is a mitzvah [commandment] to free these divine sparks, for when the sparks are all freed the Mesioch [Messiah -- The Anointed Divine King] will come. The Ari coined the phrase "Tikkun Olam" which might be loosely translated "repair or renewal of time / space / world / eternity".

Imagine that!

The Hebrew word for time, space, world, universe and eternity is one word: Olam.

Einstein had to use two: Space-Time. A physicist turned rabbi [Aryeh Kaplan] pointed out in his translation of the Sefer Yetzirah that the book describes the universe as a 5 dimensional hypercube in a book written in 200 CE!

The Ari also developed ideas on the soul -- Ha Nafresh -- The name of the High Holy days Siddur I had bought many years ago -- my first prayer book -- was Tikun Hanefresh [Renewal of the Soul]

Most of the modern Jewish movements have adopted Tikkun Olam as part of the day to day mitzvah of a Jew.

Over the years, Kabbalah has added a meaning behind the surface meaning of the Torah. In the 17th century a new 'folk movement' called Hasidism based on simple piety mixed with simple mysticism was born. Kabbalah has become part of the soul of Judaism. It is part of our tradition.

'Honey from the Rock' is a pleasant book to read and one with deep mystical meanings. I sat down one night to read it. Rabbi Kushner was talking about 'entrances into holiness' and 'divine messengers'. At that very moment, I had a messenger arrive.

Consider the following a "fictional speculation" though [speculations and mysteries aside] the messenger and his message happened as written. I am more than a bit afraid to take it as "non-fiction" or what to do about it if it is. Maybe I've been reading too much. :-)

******

HaShem in His Holiness comes upon us in odd moments if we are willing to take notice of Him. His messengers are everywhere. Events happen and they take on a message and a meaning if we are willing to listen and see them.

Come and see:

Tonight, [Late May 7, 2006] I was reading. My wife had fallen asleep.

I was reading a book I love.

I read:

"You do not have to go anywhere to raise yourself. You do not have to become anyone other than yourself to find entrances. You are already there. You are already everything you need to be. Entrances are everywhere and all the time." [Honey from the Rock, Rabbi Lawrence Kushner, p50].

Just then a little green bug landed on the book. I looked at the bug and he looked at me. Taking my cue I asked, "Well what is it you wish to show me?"

He looked at me sternly for a moment, flicking his antennae at me then crawled up the page and helped me to re-read that last paragraph.

"Ok, so you are a messenger. So what would you have me know?" He crawled on to the previous page, I turned to it so I wouldn't accidentally crush him. He showed me:

"Entrances to Holiness are everywhere. The possibility of ascent is all the time. Even at unlikely times and through unlikely places." [ibid, p48].

"Yes my friend. So you have said."

But my little friend was not finished. He crawled off the book I was reading and down on to the JPS Tanakh [The Jewish Bible] I held in my lap. A few minutes before I had been reading a verse that Rabbi Kushner had quoted, Deuteronomy 30.19, but my friend pointed to the beginning of the chapter and I read what he had pointed out to me.

As I read, I began to cry.

"1 There shall come a time when you shall experience all the words of blessing and curse that I have presented to you. There, among the nations where God will have banished you, you will reflect on the situation.

2 You will then return to God your Lord, and you will obey Him, doing everything that I am commanding you today. You and your children [will repent] with all your heart and with all your soul."

"Forgive me, Adonai." I wept. "I sinned. I failed to keep your word." I knew that was a very long time ago in a very different time and place. Where? When? Does it matter? Through the tears I continued to read.

"3 God will then bring back your remnants and have mercy on you. God your Lord will once again gather you from among all the nations where He scattered you.

4 Even if your diaspora is at the ends of the heavens, God your Lord will gather you up from there and He will take you back.

5 God your Lord will then bring you to the land that your ancestors occupied, and you too will occupy it. God will be good to you and make you flourish even more than your ancestors.

6 God will remove the barriers from your hearts and from the hearts of your descendants, so that you will love God your Lord with all your heart and soul. Thus will you survive.

7 God will then direct all these curses against your enemies and against the foes who pursued you.

8 You will repent and obey God, keeping all His commandments, as I prescribe them to you today.

[The Living Torah, Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan http://bible.ort.org/books/pentd2.asp?ACTION=displaypage&BOOK=5&CHAPTER=30#P1]

I cried, for the words were speaking to me. To me, a someone who has be away a long, long time. As I cried my little friend hopped off the page and crawled up my shirt to look at me and my tears. The message he had delivered to me was: "You can return if you choose to do so."

I wept. It is not often the way of return is opened and we see it. After a few minutes, I thought I was finished with the words and their message. I sat with my friend for a moment more then coaxed him on to my finger and from there on to the table beside my reading chair.

A moment later, as if to remind me of the "other, darker side of things", a large Palmetto bug crawled up from beneath the table and up on to the table's top. [If you have never seen a Palmetto bug, it would not be wrong to call it a 2.5 inch long roach.] I thought for a moment to strike him but realized he was only there as a reminder of what my lives have been like.

It was only when I went to my computer to set this little tale down, that I decided I was too lazy to retype the whole passage from the Tanakh. I went looking online for a digital version of the text [Rabbi Aryeh Kaplan's Living Torah, the URL is noted above]

It was only then I realized my little friend had wanted me to read the whole passage up to the line that Rabbi Kushner had quoted. I read with wonder:

"9 God will then grant you a good surplus in all the work of your hands, in the fruit of your womb, the fruit of your livestock, and the fruit of your land. God will once again rejoice in you for good, just as He rejoiced in your fathers.

10 All this will happen when you obey God your Lord, keeping all His commandments and decrees, as they are written in this book of the Torah, and when you return to God your Lord with all your heart and soul.

11 This mandate that I am prescribing to you today is not too mysterious or remote from you.

12 It is not in heaven, so [that you should] say, 'Who shall go up to heaven and bring it to us so that we can hear it and keep it?' 13 It is not over the sea so [that you should] say, 'Who will cross the sea and get if for us, so that we will be able to hear it and keep it?' 14 It is something that is very close to you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can keep it.

15 See! Today I have set before you [a free choice] between life and good [on one side], and death and evil [on the other].

16 I have commanded you today to love God your Lord, to walk in His paths, and to keep His commandments, decrees and laws. You will then survive and flourish, and God your Lord will bless you in the land that you are about to occupy.

17 But if your heart turns aside and you do not listen, you will be led astray to bow down to foreign gods and worship them.

18 I am warning you today, that [if you do that] you will be utterly exterminated. You will not last very long in the land which you are crossing the Jordan and coming to occupy."

A blessing and a curse. An entrance and an exit. An invitation and a warning.

As well as a subtle correction to a comment I had made to Rabbi when I wrote to introduce myself. [See http://hagedi.blogspot.com/2006/07/please-allow-me-to-introduce-myself.html ]

I had written to him:

"I believe the Promised Land and Jerusalem is not a place in the world..."

Which is what verse 12 and 13 seem to be saying, so maybe I am little bit right [then maybe not] but I continued in the letter by saying:

"It is a place in the Heart. The letters of the Name of the covenant are written upon the heart and the soul."

Verse 14 seems to correct me:

HaShem is written in the Heart and the expression of His Breath from my lips

But the message does not stop there. Add to this a hint of a mystery as written in Verse 16. Here's the checklist:

Love God. Check.

Walk in His paths. Check.

Keep His Commandments, Decrees, and Laws. Check.

Wait a minute. What was that second item? Walk in His Paths?

You might ask: "What ever does that mean?

One could look at the surface meaning and say, "Oh yes, follow God's way of doing things." But that's all covered by keeping his commandments, decrees and laws. Why say the same thing twice? No, there is another way of looking at this.

There is a story told by some: They say G-d built a Tree. It was a Tree like no other. From this tree, this world and all we know was born. It is an unusual tree to be sure, for from the tree hang ten pomegranates. The fruits of G-d's, Blessed Be He, attributes made manifest. There are twenty two paths of light that connect the fruit, one to the other. They say it is by these paths and the fruit that the Glory that is the Wonder and Majesty of HaShem is made manifest.

But there is more.

For man can not think the thoughts of HaShem. Man cannot know those thoughts, for man is too limited in his thinking and feeling to understand the heights and depths of even a single thought of G-d: For His thoughts are unknowable. His hand is mighty. His truth is black fire written upon white fire.

Many a man has tried to explore the Tree. Many have walked the paths.

They have returned with traveller's tales told with their limited senses and understanding. They could not see the obvious or they would not or could not say it aloud. There is more to creation than just this universe. The Paths lead not only to here but elsewhere.

[An aside-- I've never seen Deut, 30.16 referenced before in regards to the Tree of Life or Kabbalah... ]

It gives me terrors to think upon the Paths. The paths are guarded by His Messengers, but there are other things that lurk there. There are also turnings in the paths that lead into Darkness or other shattered worlds like this one: Places I have been. Things I have dreamed. Once, long ago.

I have often felt as if I were a survivor of a ship wreck cast up here from the Sea of Stars upon this lonely shore from a tempest born of another time and place. Suffering shock and amnesia I have staggered about. Rootless. Homeless. Is this exaggeration? Hallucination?

Dementia? No. It is as real as anything can be.

Reread verse 4 above again.

You may see what I saw in those words.

Could I tell you about it? No. After all, it is just so much dream stuff. Hazy tidbits of memory. Places and times and people and events of dream stuff that cannot be real in this world. To recite it would only be fanciful fiction which might border on self-delusion. I've done too much of that.

There are enough of those that will tell those kinds of tales to build up some sense of self-esteem or getting attention. You know the ones: Those that claim to be the reincarnation of some great historical figure or claim to know the thoughts of the Nameless One.

I'm not one of those. If I was "somebody" I don't remember who-- Which of itself is enough of a validation that what I have touched upon is real. My name and history is naught but dust here and now. This is as it should be. From dust I was born, to dust I shall return.

It does not really matter. At least not for the moment.

What matters is I had a moment of Holiness with a small Messenger. a tiny Green One who delivered a message of hope and terror.

The Question comes: dare I?

-------------

When I shared this "story" with Rabbi, the patient and wise fellow that he is, he responded:

I don't pretend to be smart enough to know if the bug was a messenger or - - a bug. That you found profound meaning in the text is good, regardless of the circumstances. And whether fiction or not, it's a great story.

Now another odd thing here: A few days later I read in "The Encyclopaedia of Middle Easter Mythology and Religion" that the Jewish Prophet Eliahu [Elijah] is known in Islam as Al Kazr [Khadir]: The Green One.

***

I'll share more next time.

HaGedi

Sunday, July 16, 2006

I am alive? Do you know why?

"The Lord has delt with us according to our ways and our deeds, Just as He purposed." Zechariah 1.6 [JPS Tanakh 1985]


Some past history is needed. Remember, I said I had crashed and burned my life in the 1980's?

In 1987 I commited suicide. It's been just over eighteen years since I came back to the living world.

I walked a long way back from "there and then" to get to "here and now". I've been asking myself all the way "Why?"

Let me explain about what I mean when I say I commited suicide. The few I've told the tale to say to me "...So what you mean to say is, that you *attempted* to commit suicide, right?".

No. I did it.

I took 2.075 grams [83 x 25 mg] of the "anti-depressant" Tofranil. That's a 27 2/3 day supply as the pill pusher flies. The lethal dose is about 15-20 mg per kg. of patient weight.

At the time I weighed around 150 pounds. It might have been a little more it might have been a lot less. Before I went away I weighed about 135 or 140 pounds [which made me look like Azrael's brother, but he's another story...]

Do the math.

55 pills should have killed me. Even allowing "more is not enough", I took enough to kill a man that weighed 228 pounds [at 20 mg / Kg] -- at the 15 kg level it could kill a man weighing over 300 pounds!

I took a lethal dose, okay?

So I died... but the world or something wasn't done with me.

Oh. yeah I forgot to mention that my crash landing ended in prison. At the time of my death, I was in a medium security nut ward filled with evil people run by the California Department of Corrections.

Except:

A murderer and an armed robber started my heart and watched over me for three days until I finally returned to self-awareness.

No really. That is the way it happened.

Did I deserve to die? In my own eyes I did. Something had other ideas I guess, so I lived.

I was released in 1989.

So I asked what was natural: "Why did I live?" There had to be a reason. I knew I had died and been re-animated. Why? I've asked that question over and over again. I've been given a "gift of life" I cannot explain. Maybe I'm looking for an explanation that does not seem to exist. We [humankind] tend to like nice, neat explanations as to why life is this way.

Still there are so many fragments of "oddness" in my life and talents before and after that day of darkness.

I write music and lyrics.

I have sculpted wood.

So? So lots of people do.

These are arts that I have never "formally" studied.

As you have discovered [maybe to your dismay!] I write fairly well. Again, I've nevered studied [I never got past "bonehead" English in college]. I've managed to do so well at many things yet I am relatively "uneducated". Someone once called me a "Renaissance Man". I've also been called a "Songwriter's Songwriter" by a pro songwriter. He told me then "You write the songs we wish we could write."

I mostly feel more like an idiot savant. Is that what happens when you read, think, and feel too much?

Recently I shared a recording of "Sleep, Little Flowers" with Rabbi and with someone I have deep respect for. She is someone whom I am honored and humbled to call a friend. [Though a very distant one]. I love her music, her joy, her nurturing of others, and the strength of her faith.

I was surprized when she told me:

"Wow, it sounds so great. Yasher Koach (that means well done!)"

Later Cynthia told me that our friend asked. "How does he do it?"

"Do what?" Cynthia asked in reply.

"Write beautiful stuff like that?" She replied.

I've asked myself *that* question before as well. It's like hearing a melody or a phrase and wanting to hear the rest of it. So I write it and play it. Some times it works out. Some times it does not... the words don't ring true or I get lost in an echo of the notes or words and I cannot finish.

It is like when I used to carve wood.

Once Cynthia and I went up to a beach south of Ventura, CA. I picked up a piece of drift wood and was looking at it. Cynthia asked me, "What's that?" seeing the piece of driftwood in my hands.

I held up the saltwater eroded piece of flotsom and said, "It's a dancer." She could not see what I seemed to see within the wood.

Several months later, I carved it and entitled it "Terpsechore" [The Muse of Dance]. Cynthia said with amazement, "I couldn't see the dancer but you could!"

I've looked a lot of places trying to find the "real" answer as to how I got here. As I said, we [or should I say *I*?] like to have explanations. I'd like to know the whole story of the story I sense is here within me.

To quote the beginning of a song entitled "Tuneless Tune" I wrote a number of years ago [which came from a dream I had one Sunday afternoon in 1993 or so]:

Verse 1:
After show time in never land
I had no place to be
so I stumbled down that Yellow Brick Road
to see what I could see

Now Babylon and Uruk
Were filled with a blowin' dust
An' from Pittsburgh to Paris
Was a sea of rust

So I stumbled blindly onward
To that place between west and east
And Fell into the darkness
They call the Belly of the Beast

Chorus:
At a bar set in Dreamtime
I pull’d myself up a chair
To fill myself with memories
Of which I was unaware

Verse 2:
Well, there sat Cap'n Ahab
A call’d the Wand'rin' Jew
And on his lap sat the tyrant
Known as Little Boy Blue

Their Love was a strange one
As strange as it was new
The glimmer in the old man's eyes
Said all the rumors were true

At the bar sits the Dutchman
Lost now between his beers
All that sailing from where to when
Has finally stripped his gears

Chorus:
In a bar set in Dreamtime
I pull’d myself up a chair
To fill myself with memories
Of which I was unaware

Verse 3:
Mata Hari and Little Egypt
Are kissing in the darkened room
Their loving fills the emptiness
With a passion we all consume

When in comes the Jester
Followed by his friend the Thief
While the Thief steals from all of us
The Jester gives comic relief

Now Siduri is the barmaid
Who once loved a famous king
But he died five thousand years ago
And didn't leave her a thing

Chorus:
'Cept a bar set in Dreamtime
I pull’d myself up a chair
To fill myself with memories
Of which I was unaware

Verse 4:
Well Nero fiddles for the band
And Gabriel blows the horn
While Jellyroll slaps the ivory
And sings of love forlorn

All the while I sat there
In the Belly of the Beast, My friend
I laughed and cried for all of us,
All our hubris and our sin

When I finally stumbled outta there
It must a been ‘bout the Crack of Doom
I took with me only these memories
And the words to this tuneless tune.

Chorus:
From a bar set in Dreamtime
I pull’d myself up a chair
To fill myself with memories
Of which I was unaware

©Copyright 1995-2006 dvusMedia All Rights reserved

What mixed up beings we humans are! Clods of dirt mixed with ethereal sparks. We want to know the fullness of life but we are too afraid to stop and feel the life we have, for fear we cannot meet the next mortgage payment or keep up with the neighbors or oppress those we don't like.

We get trapped in ways of doing and thinking and believing that are wrong for ourselves and for those around us. That's a trap of which I am well aware.

I recently completed reading "Does the Soul Survive?" By Rabbi Elie Kaplan Spitz. He answers an unequivocal "yes" to the survival of the soul but a its not sufficiently proven to the idea of gilgul.

Yet... The more I think and feel and read, the more it seems like I have returned. To where I belong. To what is right and natural for me.

There has been some controversy in whether there is such at thing as "resurrection" of the dead or what it means in a Jewish context. Reform Judiasm has "de-emphasized" that teaching and prayers concerning it.

Maybe there is such at thing as "resurrection" but it's not what we thought it is.

We have assumed from the writings of the prophets that "dem bones" will be "re-vivafied" and be called to stand before the Throne of Glory.

Maybe that isn't the way it is at all.

Maybe we don't really understand what it means to be resurrected. Maybe the mystery clothed in the words of the Torah that appear to be a literal "resurrection" is not real the meaning of the words.

In Ezekiel 37.12, it says: "I am going to open your graves and lift you out of your graves, O My people, and bring you to the land of Israel." and in verse 14: "I will put my breath into you and you shall live again"

If I maybe so bold as to suggest the bones [the human skeleton] is a metaphor of the "framework and foundation" upon which our human selves are built. Without our "bones" we would not be free to move.

What is the worst kind of bondage? The kind that traps us into immobility. The grave is worse than Egypt because you cannot escape.

Even Joseph escaped Egypt. "When God has taken notice of you, you shall carry up my bones from here" [Gen 50.25].

Egypt / the grave is a symbol of our bondage to "evil task masters" such as evil urges, the cut-throat race for social status and financial security, bad choices, misunderstandings, or bad habits. It can also be the kind of human bondage where we cannot even imagine freedom, hope, charity, love, kindness, joy or caring.

In the modern world G-d seems so distant. There is no escape from the grave, no Moses to set us free. Yet G-d, Baruch HaShem, says not only will He open the graves and lift us out but that he will take us, His people, to the promised land. He will breathe life into us again.

So to bring this full circle...I wonder to myself: Have I been resurrected? Have I not gone down into the grave and yet have returned?

Were I better off in life I'd be a scholar, were I worse off I might have been a politician... and were I not an uneducated fool I might have aspired to be a rabbi.

Still I count my blessings and share them with any and all that might have need.

Rabbi told me later:

I think Renaissance Man fits you well. You call yourself "uneducated." Perhaps not formally schooled to the extend you would like to be, but certainly not uneducated. And schooling can always take place, no matter what your age.

To understand the Jewish concept of resurrection, one must be aware that when the prophets were written, bodily post-mortem resurrection was not being conceived. That idea came into being during the early Pharisaic period (which began around 200 BCE). One could say, therefore, that biblical Judaism does not speak of bodily resurrection which was a Rabbinic concept. It is certainly conceivable that "m'chayay may-teem" (revival of the dead) can refer to a spiritual resurrection. In fact, that would be a very appropriate Reform Jewish understanding.

I listened to your two songs. "Sleep, Little Flowers" is lovely and soothing. The Shema is beautiful. I understand why Robin liked it - it's really good! But before you share it with too many people, give me an opportunity to hone your Hebrew vowels a little.

Good job!

Yet I still have not answered that question: Why me? Why am I back here? Maybe to write this, maybe to tell a few tales. Maybe to remind you of something you have forgotten or are just taking for granted?

I've got more to tell you but it will have to wait until next time.

HaGedi

The Journey Continues

"Lord, who may sojourn in Your tent, who may dwell on Your holy mountain?"
Psalms 15.1 [JPS Tanakh 1985

So I had met with Rabbi and I had been accepted.

That night after I came home from work I wrote a song entitled, "Sleep, Little Flowers". It was the first song I had written in a very long while. More oddness is to be noted from this song as I will tell you below.

Cynthia and I decided that since I work in the evening, that Shabbat begins for us when I come home [At that time it was usually about 11 PM] When we lit the candles at home for the first time it was as if I had really come home to something very special. As Cynthia recited the prayer I was overcome with tears. Tears of Joy and the feeling of "rightness".

I began to read about the path I had chosen and discuss some of it with my father via e-mail. He sent me several questions about Charity and prayer. I wrote to Rabbi about these questions my father had asked. In one of those e-mails to Rabbi I noted:

There has been some progress since we last spoke. I have arranged to work "an early day" on Wednesday so I can attend classes.

One of the most important things my father had said to me in the e-mail when he asked about Jewish ideas concerning charity and prayer was:

"I want to remind you that becoming a Jew is a good thing for you because your family is Jewish. It means a lot to be one with your family. I thank the Lord for my family."

I noted his saying "Your family is Jewish. It means a lot to be one with your family." with a double-take. Did he mean I was not a part of his family?

As I said before I do not seem to have the same set of problems as others might. That does not mean I do not have any problems or challenges in my life or in this choice I have made.

I told Rabbi after a bit of reading and reflection that I had sent my father the following response about charity and prayer:

I have set up a meeting with the Administrator of the Synagogue about membership in the Synagogue.

Doing "good deeds" are mitzvot [the plural of mitzvah - "commandments"]. Among these are Tzedakah, Gemilut Hassidim, and Tikkun Olam.

Tzedakah is "righteous giving" which might be to the poor, the needy, or distressed. Gemilut Hassidum is "acts of loving kindness" which is mostly looked at as community volunteerism. These two are ancient ideas which are discussed in the Talmud. This would place the ideas as something that appeared in Judaism around 500 BCE

Tikkun Olam or "repair of the world" is "new idea" that became part of Judaism in the 20th century. It is based upon a 400 year old mystical writings that tells us that it is a mitzvah to work for "social justice": work for peace, freedom and justice for all people.

As for prayer...

Judaism is a community, a people. We gather together on the Sabbath day and we pray and study together. The prayers are "common" to us.

Much as the "Lord's Prayer" is a "common prayer" to [Protestant] Christians or the Catholic Mass is to Catholics.

Judaism does not say we cannot pray to G-d in our own way. Or that there is a specific right time for it. If the feeling moves you then you must talk to G-d. How can He hear you if you do not speak?

In the beginning the Hasidim were the teachers to the poor and simple. They criticized the educated and learned who tended to follow the letter of the law and not it's spirit. As time has gone along it appears to me [but I am ignorant of these things] that they have become as ridgid as those whom in the beginning they criticized.

As someone once said [in class I took some time] religions tend to calcify over time and usually they tend to become "set in stone" within a hundred years of the death of the "founder".

But Judaisim is somewhat different in this regards.

As Jacob wrestled with G-d [Genesis 32:26] so does a good Jew. This "wrestling" brought about the debates between the Rabbis and the result is the Talmud, the Midrashim, and the many books of Jewish Mysticism. It has sustained us. It is the basis, I think, for my Rabbi saying "You must learn to argue with the Rabbi."

For how else can one engage their Heart, Mind and Soul on G-d but by wrestling with Him?

By the time Cynthia and I began to attend Saturday services [since I could not attend on Friday night] we had become members of KKBE: Kahal Kadosh Beth Elohim. KKBE has a special place in the history Reform Judaism in America. It still does. We'll probably talk about that later.

We came early and attended Torah study before the service with the congregation's rabbi, Rabbi Holz. One Shabbat morning during Torah study I pointed out to Rabbi Holz that in one place it says that G-d wrote the laws upon the tablets and in another that Moses carved the tablets, Rabbi said something like "I can see you're going to be a live one".

Maybe I read too much.

Something my Rabbi [Rabbi means 'Teacher'. You will find when I refer to "Rabbi " I am speaking of the teacher of the conversion classes] had written in an e-mail to me stuck in my head:

He said: "Perhaps underneath it all is a Jewish soul."

I had to "chew" on that a while. The word "perhaps" is a "mult-edged" word.

Perhaps I have been living with Yiddish speakers too long and the twelve different shades of meaning that a simple phrase can mean.

This brought to mind what may be unanswerable questions:

What makes a soul Jewish ? Why is it different than any other Spark?

Does it matter if I have a goyish soul called to become a Jew or a lost Jewish soul returned? Why do I feel calm and confident about the choice I have made when others around me appear to doubt it?

An example of the doubts when Cynthia and I met with the Temple Administrator about membership, he seemed to be saying "Well, pay for one membership. You have not converted. We can't really charge a non-jew."

I replied to the Administrator. "It is not about what I am or not it is about returning to God a portion of what He has given me. I am learning to be a Jew here."

We set something up I'm not quite sure what.

I've never been under a contractual obligation to God before. Who knew that G-d had a building fund tax or cemetary insurance?

I did not flinch at the obligation. I feel that by choosing to be a Jew, that "it is already done". I have returned [that word "returned" popped into my head... which makes for more questions...] or found the "home" I have been seeking. Yes I have an awful lot to learn. Yes, I am ignorant of the traditions... yet something within me is totally at peace and at the same time rejoicing.

On the other hand... I spent several evenings reading the Tanakh [Almost all of Genesis] and said to myself: "This is a silly book."

Where is the rest of the meaning? Where is the explanation of the why of everything? Yes here are the Mitzvot but why these and not others?

So the real learning had begun. I told Rabbi about these encounters.

Rabbi later wrote me and said:

Your response to your father was on target. No corrections.

I was delighted to hear about your work schedule and your encounters with Ken Davidson & Rabbi Holz - - as well as your Shabbat at home.

You will learn that we contemporary Jews normally do not refer to the "tithe" for very practical reasons. Only part of our giving goes to the Temple. We also give to Jewish Federation (social service arm of the Jewish community), to the United Appeal and to other charitable institutions beyond ourselves.

There is a Hasidic story you will probably appreciate:

A student asks his teacher, "Rebbe, why is the stork called "hasidav" (the loving one)?" The teacher responds, "The stork is called "hasidav" because it gives so much love to its mate and to its young." "Then, Rebbe, why is the stork treife (non-kosher)?" The teacher answers, "the stork is treife because it gives love only to its own!"

That's the perspective of our charitable giving.

Regarding my unanswerable questions he wrote:

You're right; they're really unanswerable. Over the years I have seen both (1) those who obviously had Jewish souls from birth and (2) those who "grew" a Jewish soul during their process of becoming Jewish.

The final question is really answered by what is inside you, not what others at the moment may think.

A couple of weeks later I had another thing to add to the list of "odd" things which had happened since I made the decision to be a Jew: I read part of my song in a Siddur [prayer book] I had never read.

It was on Friday night, I had come home to light the Shabbat candles alone. Cynthia had accepted an invitation to go to Georgia for a temple Sisterhood leadership training retreat.

As always, I felt the tears and the constriction of my throat as I recited the transliterated prayers with my illiterate Hebrew tongue.

Since Cynthia and I have begun to celebrate Shabbat, we have made the time after lighting the candles a time to discuss and reflect aloud upon our renewed religious life-- and observe how it is changing us.

This Shabbat, as I had no one to talk to, I decided to read through the prayer book. It is the gray covered 1994 edition of the Reform Siddur [prayer book] entitled "Gates of Prayer". Rabbi had mentioned a fondness for this edition so I had asked Cynthia to purchase a copy. She brought it home two days after that my interview with Rabbi. Two days after I had written the song.

On page 134, toward the bottom in a translation of a prayer from the Afternoon Shabbat service I read:

"Your strength is Always with us,
O God Your compassion does not Fail.
Winter winds are Your messengers,
summer dew a sign of your grace."

My mouth dropped open at reading those words: "Winter winds are Your messengers."

Why? Because I had "unknowingly" written something very similar in the lyrics to "Sleep Little Flowers". The words to the song I wrote are:

Sleep, Little Flowers
Sleep, until Spring
The Winter Winds are coming
Who knows what they will bring?
Tomorrow is Tomorrow
Today is Today
Yesterday is a mem'ry
Just fading away

Sleep, Little Flowers
Sleep, until Spring
The Winter Wind is with us now
Hear the cold winds sing?
Sorrow is Sorrowed
Lover is Belov'd
Let us light the candles
Remember we are loved

Sleep, Little Flowers
Sleep, until Spring
When the cold ice melts
The young song birds, they will sing
Four thousand years
Just like yesterday
Stop for a moment
Hear this wand'r pray

Wake, Little Flowers
The winter time is passed
Here are the joyous days
Come to us at last
The Melody is memories
The Singer is the Song
The Road to Jeruselem
Has been here all along

Yes, Wake, Little Flowers
The Spring is fin'ly here
A Rainbow is shining now o'r'
A sky brimmed with joyful tears
The image in the likeness
The doer in the Deed
The Truth of life is simple
Love is all you need.

Wake, little flowers
Hear this simple song
I, who, am unworthy
Have found where I belong
Yes let us light the candles
Break Bread and share the wine
I lift my heart rejoicing:
"Baruch Ata Adonai:

All I am is thine!"


©Copyright 2006 dvusMedia All Rights Reserved

I was [and am still] amazed to find reference to a prayer I had never read before in words I wrote as lyrics.

Obviously yet another coincidence... but it begins to seem like there is a strong "hint" of an Unseen Hand in these various bits of coincidence. I am not certain if I should call them "messengers" yet.

Later that night I read in the Tanakh about how God proved to Gideon via "dew" the provenance of what Gideon had been commanded to do. I imagine then that at some time I will stumble over the original passage which explains how "winter winds" are God's messengers.

The human mind tends to like to "organize" and "catagorize" phenomena regardless whether the phenomena are tangible or intangible. We organize our lives around our interpretations which become "our truth". Those interpretations, those "truths", change over time, something which I was reminded of in one Saturday morning Torah study with Rabbi Holz.

He told a story of how when he became a Rabbi in Pretoria, they had staged a burnt offering of donated meat as part of the Religious School curriculum to show how the Levites had offered sacrifices in ancient times. He emphasized what a stench it had made.

I need to clarify to you what I really meant when I said above that some of the Torah was silly. I did not mean that in a derogatory way. It was a way of stating aloud a question to myself: Where is the meaning here? What context can I set these things, these stories, and mizvot? Because what I am reading here does not appear to fit the context of a "modern life".

I have begun to wrestling in my untrained manner with how does one "be" a Jew-- That is to say "think - feel- do" what I have chosen to be. [I do not have a college degree-- except from the Autodidactic School of Hard Knocks]

Modern physics tends to say there is no "objective reality"-- that everything we know is based upon an interpretation of what we have observed. I would add a qualifier that we do not know what "objective reality" is, because we are not equipt to measure and interpret it and probably never will be. [Which sounds a lot like what I read somewhere as the Kabbalah's definition of Ayn Sof-- the infinite, unknowable G-d].

So since there is no "objective reality", all we have is our "subjective interpretation" of what has happened. In this light, I can organize and interpret my life experience these last weeks and see this string "sychronocities" as actual "messengers". Are they really? Should I? Does it matter? I do not say any of these things are of "special provence" but I have begun to believe they are "signs" that the path I have chosen is the right one for me.

That week I was reading some excerpts from the Talmud and the Mishna [with a grain of salt] which I inherited from my late mother's library. The translations that I have were printed in 1917 as part of a "library" of various "sacred books". Some of the translations are from non-jewish sources and I am doubtful of their veracity.

I also completed reading Eugene B. Borowitz's "The Masks Jews Wear: The Self Deceptions of American Jewry" and Arthur Hertzberg's "Jews: The Essence and Character of a People". This one was an "all night read". I found myself moved to tears by these words from the closing paragraph of this book:

"To be a Jew is to be commanded; to take actions because they are right, not because they bring personal comfort or material gain. Had Abraham wanted tranquility and prosperity, he would have carried on his father's idol business. To be a Jew is to open one's tent on all four sides so that any stranger in need of food and shelter can enter from every direction. To be a Jew is to believe in tikkun olam, that the world can be redeemed. To be a Jew is to be carried by the current of the ancient Jewish river that keeps on flowing. The journey will continue."

I began reading two of Gershom Scholem's books: "On the Kabbalah and Its Symbolism" and "Kabbalah". Both of which are intellectual / historical analysis of Jewish mysticism. I was looking for the context of the idea.

As R. Hertzberg said: "The journey will continue."

but I'll have to tell you about that next time.

HaGedi

Odd events lead to a meeting

"He keeps turning events by His stratagems. that they might accomplish all that He commands them throughout the inhabited earth, Causing each of them to happen to His land, whether as a scourge or as a blessing." Job 37.12-13 [JPS Tanakh 1985]

So let's talk about some oddities. Nothing big. Not at all important. A rational mind might pass them off as quirks in reality... until I began to see a pattern like pearls on a string... We live life forward but see its hidden wisdom only in hindsight.

Let me digress for a momentary tangent:
Ever since that terrible day in September of 2001, Cynthia, my friend and companion for the last sixteen years, and my wife for the last thirteen, has had a "problem" with believing in "a good God that would allow this to happen". God should not allow such evil. I might add that humanity should not either but we'll save that for later.

You must understand something. Cynthia has been my saving grace. My Shekinah. She has been the light of my life and incomperable friend in ways I cannot explain. We drew each other up out of dispair and loss. We have comforted one another. Challenged one another. Taught one another. Healed one another. But here my friend and lover has turned away from what I have always believed to be her secret well spring of goodness, joy, love, light, and comfort. I have bided my time and kept believing in the Spirit within her that makes her the kind loving person she has always been.

So what happened?

She got a part time job working in the Synagogue Judaica shop.. then spurred on by the fond memories of her Jewish childhood and its community, she started to go to some of the evening classes at the Synagogue. She had been occasionally attending the Judaism 101 classes which present the history and the beliefs of Judaism for a "general" audience and occasionally other classes or lectures or events.

One of the events she attended was a three rabbi "forum" discussion. There was a orthodox, a conservative, and the reform rabbi of the synagogue where she works. [It don't remember what the topic was but it was certainly one that the three main branches of Judaism have different views].

After the forum Cynthia fell into a conversation with the Orthodox rabbi. He found himself very surprised when Cynthia claimed to be an Atheist. Imagine you were a rabbi and someone your mother's age telling you they were an Atheist. The poor fellow was agast!

I guess this kind of gnawed at the rabbi as several days later the rabbi called her and asked if she would like to go out to coffee some time. So they made a date to have coffee about a two weeks before the evening I asked her my question. The expressed intent was he wanted to talk to her about her avowed atheism... but the odd thing about this is:

The job, the classes she visited, all happened before I asked Cynthia what she would think about my converting.

It was before I had ever gone to Shabbat services with her.

It was before she'd noticed how much of my music seems to have roots somewhere other than where I grew up. [Only after I'd asked about becoming a Jew did she suddenly realized how "Jewish" my lyrics are]

It was before she ever admitted to me that she had always wanted me to look at converting but would not ask because she feared I would be angry with her. She is of the opinion that both my father [who is a Mormon now] and I have "Jewish Souls". For all of her "bohemian" ways she is really just a traditional Jewish girl... who wanted a Jewish husband.

It was before she stood in shabbat services and heard: "That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah" and realized as her eyes brimmed with tears that this is what her father had taught her. He was not considered by her relatives a "good" Jew.

[A little footnote: A story is told about Rabbi Hillel who taught in Jerusalem from ~30 BCE to about 10 CE was approached by a "wise ass" that was thinking of converting and was asked "Tell me the whole of the Torah while I stand on one foot." To which Rabbi Hillel replied: "That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary. Now go study."]

It was before she decided to learn Hebrew [she did not have a "Hebrew School" education] and has been been very pleased to have been able to read a few words in a very short time.

It was before I went out to dinner to a Japanese Restaraunt with Cynthia and her family. I ate with chop sticks [I'd never eaten with them before] and was generally in a good mood. Afterward she told me she'd had a wonderful time... then she asked me what I had done with her husband... as he doesn't eat sushi or pick food from other people's plates.

It was before I walked into Guitar Center on a Sunday afternoon trip to find more Jewish books for my studies. But just "on a lark" I decided to stop into the "toy store" first. I never made it to the book store. It seems G-d sometimes makes other plans.

I found an expensive guitar [An $1900 Taylor acoustic-electric] that I had wanted for a long while, discounted $900. Cynthia had said a while ago she had wanted to buy it for me [She told me later was her "dream" to buy it for me] but we did not have the money or the credit. Or at least so I thought. She insisted I apply. The credit check came back with a limit of three times the price of the guitar. [Needless to say the guitar came home with us...]

On the way home I made a remark to Cynthia about how much has happened since I asked her about my converting and how wonderful it was to have this guitar. That's when a "still small voice" in my head spoke up and said: "It comes with a Mitzvah: You must play it!".

I am sure you know what a Mitzvah is from your reading but if you've forgotten: [to quote] "It is a commandment. The purpose of a mitzvah is to help the individual and the nation come closer to G-d and to holiness." There are 613 Mitzvah in the Torah. Today the slang meaning of Mitzvah is "a good deed" but I think in this case it was a "commandment".

So after we had dinner that night I pulled out "my second best guitar". I had not played it much lately. It is a black acoustic-electric Washburn I bought for around $600 in 1996 to go gigging with. It had been "second" to my 1960 Gibson J-50.

I put it in it's hardshell case and we went over to Wendy's house. I wanted to perform a "mitzvah" in the slang meaning. I gave that guitar to her husband. I had been thinking about giving him the guitar for a long time.

To which I got bewildered looks... It seems that he too had wanted a "dream guitar" so he had bought an $1100 Martin cutaway acoustic the previous August but had not told me [I think because he thought I'd get upset] but he had been afraid to take the Martin out any where to play it because it might get damaged.

I did not even know he had the Martin but I did know that he needed a good guitar which he could use for teaching [he teaches guitar] and for performing at Synagogue [which he does upon occassion]. So I gave it to him... because it was the right thing to do... He now uses it daily.

So all of this has happened and Cynthia was happily perplexed because somehow just by asking a question I have changed... Yet none of this would have happened if she had never gotten the job working at the Synagogue .

The day before my interview with Rabbi, Cynthia playfully asked me: "Why in the world do you want to be Jewish? Don't you know we are the most picked on people in the whole world?"

I replied. "You don't understand. I've been picked on, beat-up, kicked, sworn at, and picked last for kick ball all my life. What would be different? What will be different is: I won't be alone any more!"

The previous week I had picked up a book "Choosing a Jewish Life" by Anita Diamant which was written to answer questions about the conversion process. I read all of the questions and problems that other converts to Judaism have and do face. I don't have most of the problems that others have experienced. My problem is very different.

I kept asking myself: Why I am doing this? There are a many subtle things that seemed to point to "something".

Twenty years ago I had burned down my life. I destroyed it and myself. Yet something wonderous happened. Cynthia came into my life... and she stayed even when I told her that she shouldn't.

One night, shortly after we met, we had gone to sleep I woke up crying from a dream that was so real. A vague dream that long ago I had lost her and now I had found her again. I'm not one to believe in re-incarnation, at least not the "garden variety" that is popular. It flies in the face of the non-linearity of time.

If you recall in my previous post, when I wrote to Rabbi to introduce myself I had mentioned Cynthia's idea that I had "a Jewish soul". He had written in reply: "There are many who believe the old Jewish mystical concept of Gilgul: that there are Jewish souls born into the wrong body and who are torn and sometimes spiritually tortured until they find their way home. Perhaps . . ."

So I did some checking. The "gilgul" concept comes from the teachings of Kabbalah, the mystical works of Judaism.

I am not a stranger to Mysticism. I grew up with it.

Yes. Perhaps. Then perhaps not.

Yet I have cried at every seder I have attended these last four years. I've cried when I attended Shabbat or when Cynthia lights the Shabbat candles.

I finally decide that if there is any question that I have. it's one I believed the Rabbi cannot possibly answer at all: Am I worthy enough to make "God's people, my people and their ways, my ways"? I do not feel worthy. I feel very unworthy.

The question gnawed at me and more than once brought tears to my eyes.

So I met with Rabbi about conversion. I told him about Cynthia asking me why I wanted to become part of the "most picked on people in history" and what my response to her was. He smiled. He asked me if I had any questions. I told him my gnawing question.: Am I worthy to become a Jew? He replied by quoting "rabbinical sources" [I later learned it comes from the Babylonian Talmud]:

"Our Rabbis taught: If at the present time a man desires to become a proselyte, he is to be addressed as follows: 'What reason have you for desiring to become a proselyte; do you not know that Israel at the present time are persecuted and oppressed, despised, harassed and overcome by afflictions'? If he replies, 'I know and yet am unworthy', he is accepted forthwith, and is given instruction in some of the minor and some of the major commandments." [Yevamot 47a-b]

The Rabbi finished by saying with a smile: "Of course you still have to take the classes..." Our meeting concluded with his acceptance of me as a "candidate".

Let me make something really clear here: I did not know any thing about Yevamot 47a-b before the meeting. Cynthia asked that question all by herself. I asked my question of the Rabbi all by myself.

But wait there's more! but you'll have to wait until next time.

HaGedi

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Have I been here before?

"I will bring him near, that he may approach Me -- declares the Lord --
For who would otherwise dare approach Me?" Jeremiah 31.21

I wrote Rabbi a reply:

***
Rabbi,

... As for the idea of Gilgul, I do not know.

The logic of today's science seems to say Time is not "linear". That is, modern physics does not seem to support the idea of The Past always pointing to the Present which always points to Future. It seems to say that at the microscopic scale, that there is only now or that the "arrow of time" sometimes even changes direction.

Most reincarnation / transmigration ideas I have read about seem to say that time is fixed in a linear direction pointed to the future just as a lot of metaphysical trancendentalists can't get beyond the idea of Newton's Clockwork Universe which leads to a lot of disappointed folks who believe that they can win the lottery by just the power of their thoughts and wonder why they haven't done so.

The universe is a much more wonderous and sometimes inexplicable place than that. The nearest thing that I can think of to the idea that you described is the idea they call "entanglement". This is when a particle develops a "relationship" with another particle. When the particles are separated, they are forever intertwined. When something effects one of the particles, the other one is instantaneously effected as well-- regardless of the distance between them much as you might have heard about twin siblings.

As the father of twins, I can tell you those stories are true. One of them once scalded herself. Her sister, who was in the next room and out of sight, screamed in pain as it happened. She knew when her sister hurt herself.

It is that kind of inexplicable thing that is a mystery to behold and not for me to try to explain. So maybe...

Yet I find myself, in a way, "uncertain"... wondering if I am not unlike many who have faltered or floundered in life and seek any comfort they can. I cannot say if I am a lost Jewish soul... that maybe I am just simply lost. Maybe the words of comfort I have read, are just that: words of comfort and solace for a weary soul.

No matter the outcome, I can only become a better person by asking the questions of myself as I try to learn to see the world differently.

I look forward to meeting with you and hearing about Jeruselem and the Heart.

regards,

***

I wrote to my father and told him what I was doing. Unlike many relatives of converts [of any kind] he was overjoyed.

Odd things began to happen and hidden connections began to be revealed to me all saying: "This was meant to be."

But I'll talk about that more next time.

HaGedi