A Country and Western Pur'm Spiel

"It happened in the days of Ahasuerus..."
Esther 1.1 [JPS Tanakh 1985]

A purim song set to a country and western drinking song melody.... Inspired by Rabbi's telling of the tale. It not a song for the weak throated at 22 minutes playing time...

Next time we'll talk about it's mystical meaning.

* * * * *


Here is a song about Esther
About Uncle Morty, Hayman, and Arty the King
It's not like the one you heard in Hebrew School
This story is a whole different thing

Now there once lived a King named Arty Zersis
He ruled hun'red twenny seven sat-trap-pees
But most of all he loved to party
And women who wore nothing but the breeze

So Arty the King built himself a City
The City was called Shoe-shine by name
Cos Arty just loved to party
And Shoe-shine was a heck of a name.
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Shoe-shine is a heck of a name


Now on the highest street of the City
On the most beautiful street of that Town
Arty the King, He got married
To one of the most beautiful girls around

Then Arty the King threw a big party
He sent his new Queen a golden crown
He asked her to show ev'ry one her big jewels
So please dear, don't wear your gown.

Now Vashti the Queen was a real Beauty
And she was right and true and just
She would not submit to King Arty's wishes
So he kicked her out into the Dust
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
He kicked Vashti into the Dust


Poor King Arty Zersis was so unhappy
He needed a Queen to show ev'ryone he was so great
So his ministers called for a beauty pageant
To find the King a new mate

On the lowest street in the City
On the meanest street of the Capital town
There lived a young exotic dancer
Who that night dreamed she was wearing a crown

Now the girl's name was Haddasseh
She was just a lowly Jewish working girl
She made ends meet by making ends meet
In the oldest profession in the worl'
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
In the oldest profession in the worl'


Now Morty Chai was the girl's uncle
He begged an' panhandled by the Shoeshine city gate
When he heard about the beauty contest
He told Haddasseh not to be late

"One thing my pretty" Uncle Morty told her
"Please, don't let them know that you're a Jew
There might be evil repercussions
That might be the end of you."

"But Uncle Morty my name is Jewish,"
As Jewish as a Jewish girl's name can be
How will the king ever see my big jewels
My Jewish name will be the end of me
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie...
My name will be the end of me


So why don't we just call you Esther
It's a good name if you want to be seen
You'll be able to show the King all of your jewels
And he just might make you his Queen

So the contest was held in Shoeshine
All the beautiful girls showed off their stuff
Til Esther's big Jewels came out of her gown
King Arty Cried: "She's got more than enough!"

Now on the day that party King Arty
Took Esther to be his bountiful Queen
Uncle Morty heard two plotters plan a killing
A killing like Shoeshine had never ever seen
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie...
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
A plot Shoeshine had never seen


The plotters planned to make Queen Esther a widow
By making Arty a newly dead king
Uncle Morty told the Queen who was like his daughter
Because he wanted to prevent this evil thing

So Queen Esther told her party boy Arty
And Arty put an end to the plot
When He asked who had told her
Esther said "I heard it from Morty the Sot"

So Esther became Queen in Shoeshine
And showed her jewels in nothing but a crown
Her Uncle Morty still begged at the city gate
From everyone that came into town
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie...
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Morty still begged around the town


You might think Queen Esther had a good end.
It's true King Arty thought her's was the best
But this tale my friend is just beginning
Just wait while I tell you the rest

For you see there arose among Arty's sages
A man called Hayman of evil fame
For he was a lover of evil deeds
Who wanted to blot out our name

Hayman rose to be King Arty's Chief Counselor
For Arty's idea of evil was an empty bottle of wine
And as Hayman kept the King's cup overflowing
He convinced the King a new law to sign
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie...
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Hayman's new law Arty did sign


The new law proclaimed Hayman the best of the best
And all should bow before him in turn
But Uncle Morty would not bow down to Hayman
And Hayman's anger grew till it burned

For you see Hayman hated all the Jews
Whether Young, old, beautiful, ugly, big or small
But it was Uncle Morty the Jew
That Hayman hated the most of all

So Hayman the Evil Counselor
Got another law the drunken King Arty to sign
It proclaimed Death for all the hated Jews
For ten thousand talents of silver so fine
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie...
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Death for silver so fine


When Uncle Morty Heard the evil tidings
He rented his clothes and put on old flour bags
"Oy! From such a fate we should be saved!"
He cried before Esther's palace in rags.

Now remember our beautiful Queen Esther?
Of bountiful Jewels and beautiful end so true?
She was afright of Hayman's new Law
"Oh, Uncle Morty, What ever can I do?"

Uncle Morty sent a note to Queen Esther
"Haddasseh, you must speak to the King in our name..."
"But if I speak to the King I might die..."
"If you don't it will be just the same"
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie...
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
If you don't it will be just the same

She said “So all of you fast and pray for me
and I will try to do the same
For three days to work my courage up
To Call Drunken King Arty by his name”

On the third day she came to King Arty
And Arty saw her jewels. "Oh my what a dish!"
He called to her, "Oh Queen Esther!"
"I'll give you what ever you wish!

"King Arty, will come to my place later for a feast?"
She said as she jiggled her jewels with a smile
"And bring your boy Hayman along with you too..."
"We can drink some wine and talk for a while.
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie...
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
We can talk if that's all you want to do


King Arty called for Hayman the Evil Counselor
And together they went to the Queen's place
Queen Esther had never been more beautiful
An evil smile came to Hayman's face

Over wine Arty promised Esther anything
"To half the kingdom and more! I will give to you"
She winked and nodded at Hayman.
"Come tomorrow and I will do whatever you want to do."

Evil Hayman was happy when he left the Queen's palace
"Esther wants me in the king's stead"
Tomorrow I will see Old Morty die
And I will be lying in Queen Esther's bed
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Hayman wants to lie in Esther's bed

Hayman went home to plot to replace the King
But that night King Arty had a troubled sleep
He called to have a scribe read something
For reading is better than counting sheep

So the Scribe read a thing from the Annals
How Old Morty the Sot saved the king
"Has the old rascal been rewarded?"
"No you didn't give him a thing!"

King Arty called for his counselor Hayman
"How shall I reward someone who's truly great?
I desire to Honor someone
Who saved me from an awful fate!
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Who saved the king from an awful fate?


Now Hayman thought the king wanted to reward him
Because Hayman thought only he was so great
So he told the king what should be done
To give an honor of such a great weight

Take the man and dress him in your royal robes
Put him on your royal horse and make a parade of State
All the while announcing
"The King thinks this man is really great!

The King jumped for joy at these words
Then ordered Hayman to find Morty the Jew
Do all the things you have just said
and I want you to lead his horse too.
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Remember to lead his horse too.

Hayman did as he was ordered
No matter how much he hated Morty the Jew
Fearing the king would take his life
If he didn't do as he was told to do

Now as it happened that very morning
Hayman's daughter saw the parade of Morty the Jew
She flung a full chamber pot from her window but missed!
Hitting Hayman in the face with the doo

For Hayman, the day was long and tiring
Twenty miles if it was a step
For all around the town of Shoeshine
His enemy Morty the Jew he did schlepp.
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Hayman paraded Morty the Jew


When the parade was finally over
Hayman barely had time to bathe and dress
He had to get to Queen Esther
The queen he desired to evilly caress

Hayman rushed into the Queen's darkend chambers
And found her waiting with open arms
For she thought Hayman was her King Arty
Come to taste her willing charms

"Oh my Queen now that I have you
I will take from you what I need
For I Hayman will make you
Submit to my evil deed
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Hayman tried to force an evil deed

"No! No!" She cried and wept
Trying to push him away
But he forced her on to the bed
With her jewels he was determined to play

The room suddenly lit up with torches
"My Queen, What is this? What is it that you need?"
Yelled the suddenly arrived, sobered Arty the King
She cried "Save from me from Hayman's evil deed!"

At these words she told Arty everything
How Hayman plotted to kill each and every Jew
She said "But He wanted me for himself
For he did not know I am a Jew too..."
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Hayman did not know she was a Jew


In rushed one of the King's servants
Who reported Hayman's plan to kill Morty the Jew
If your plan was good enough to kill Morty
Evil Hayman, it will be doubly so for you.

Now Esther and Morty told King Arty
of the terrible Jewish fate
We must stop our people's murder
Before it is much too late.

So the King Arty helped the Jews
To save us from Hayman's evil fate
The king gave the Jews weapons
To fight on that evil date
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
To fight on that evil date

The funny thing about this story
The Holy One, We did not talk of at all
That because sometimes He's is hidden
In the words and deeds each of us all

Drink Until You know not Evil Hayman
Nor even Saintly Morty Chai the Jew
Cast your lots now and gamble
For on this day we're allowed to

Now for all time we will remember
The lot that was cast on this date
And how the Holy One of Blessing
delivered us from an evil fate
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
Lie lie lie lie lie la lie
We give thanks for our blessed fate

words and music copyright © 2007 HaGedi